living like elle

This is a blog about Kenya and some of the emotions and feelings that I felt while visiting such an amazing place. I loved Kenya with my whole heart but I felt things I had never felt before. I have tried so many times to put these feelings into words and I think this is the best I am going to get. I apologize if somethings don’t make sense, or something comes off incorrect or not how I was intending while reading, but here’s me sharing my experiences and talking about the vulnerable things you don’t hear many people speak on. I could have wrote multiple pages about my amazing safari, how much fun I had snorkeling with my friends, or the amazing farm that I got to visit and tour but I choose this experience because it was personal and I truly believe it helped change the way I think and helped me grow as an individual. 

Kenya is a hard one to put into words. I loved Kenya so much, even though there were struggles while traveling it was still the most amazing experience I have ever had. Kenya was a place that was so rich in culture. The people in Kenya were so kind, helpful, and beautiful. It was a place that I think everyone should visit. I had the best time in Kenya, but I also felt so many emotions I have never felt before. 

The first day in Kenya was the hardest day for me. It was an overall stressful day, the Ubers didn’t work, my phone didn’t work and students were being young and dumb. It was a hard travel day thats I learned from but was still stressful. At the end of day one I was honestly ready to call it quits on the trip and head home. Thankfully my parents answered their phone at yet another absurd hour of the day and talked me out of the mood I was in. I was able to work through it and made the rest of my trip a better experience then the first day. 

The second day a few friends and I went to an orphanage and at this point I feel like I have tried to write about this experience so many times and every time I struggle to find the words for what I felt. We went to the orphanage and met the mother of the home, she had 55 orphans and continued to give us a tour of the house. There was around 10 kids who slept together per room, they shared toothbrushes and the living conditions where not ideal, yet the kids that were there were so grateful and had a smile on their face that was so contagious. The children were so happy and simply living life in the moment despite the living conditions and the clear evidence of malnutrition. I saw so many children who had growth defects from malnourishment such as stunting. Stunting is where a child does not get enough nutrients in their body to have a growth spurt during the ages that they are supposed to have a growth spurt. This is only one of the many defects I saw while I spent time in Kenya. 

Despite everything the kids were genuinely happy and they were so grateful. The older children of the home were around 16-17 years old and were making food the entire time we were there. There was also only one bathroom in the whole home yet they were just happy to have running water. It was eye opening. There was a baby boy at the orphanage who was just left in a room by himself on a bed that had no railings. He was just there to fend for himself because everyone else in the home had other responsibilities and different things to deal with. No ones first priority was making sure that the baby was okay.

I met a girl who was studying for university and the mother of the home was so happy and proud of her, she told us she studies all day everyday because she wants to go to university to extend her education. After talking to the mother of the household she was so happy and proud of her home and the children who were there. She said she had multiple kids in university and most of them attended the elementary school that was down the street. Some of the kids who were in the home were kids who had graduated form what America would call high school and were trying to figure out how to work and where to work with a non existent support system. 

If you told me to try and figure out how to get an education, make good choices in life, and figure out everything for myself without any support from friends, parents, or the leaders and role models I have met in life; I simply would not be able to do it. I am where I am today because of the support system that surrounds me and helps guide me to achieve everything I want to do in life. I have made so many terrible decisions in my life and if I didn’t have my people to correct me and guide me the right way who knows where I would be today. I am who I am because of my support system. These children don’t have what I take for granted, they don’t have a role model to follow, they don’t have a leader they look up to, and they don’t have parents or guardians looking after them and making sure they are going down the correct path. These children need a support system and they need resources that many people like myself take for granted.  

We continued to the school down the street where many of the kids who lived in the orphanage were getting an education. The kids were taught by volunteer teachers their whole schooling career, they didn’t have the counselors, specific classes, or the check ins that are so normal in the United States. They simply live a different life, its not that the United States is better than Kenya, or Kenya is better than the United States. We both live different lives, and we both have different views of “normal.” Our lives are simply different. If I am being vulnerable I did think about how much luckier I am then these kids, I live in a nice home with parents and my own room and I started to feel bad for them. This is a hard feeling to put into words, you can feel bad; that’s not a crime. It is a crime to believe that your own life is better, when in reality they might not think it’s better because it is simply just different lives that we live. They are happy, we are happy, it’s the differences that we face that make us who we are. We Americans are thankful and blessed with everything that we have and the kids in Kenya are beyond thankful and blessed for everything they have as well. I do think that there should be more resources for these kids and there should be things done to help with education and support systems but I don’t think that we have to come into their homes and think that their home life sucks, because sure it may not be ideal to us, but it could be amazing to them, we have to learn how to adjust to a different living situation when visiting a new place. It’s cultural adjustment and that goes for anywhere that you travel. 

The mother of the home stated that they rely heavily on donations in the orphanage. My friends and I being college students wish we could have left a donation but we did what we could and brought the kids socks and lots of school supplies to the school. We got to the school and the teachers and children were kind of shocked to see us at first. When we first arrived I faced a feeling of knowing we were welcomed but wondering what we can do to help without intruding or interrupting, or doing something we aren’t supposed to do. As time went on we all got more comfortable with one another. We served the kids porridge, the teachers were so thankful that we were there that they decided to cancel school for the day and just allow the children to play outside with us until we left. I played and played and played with the kids. I pushed them on the swings, they braided my hair, we danced, they sang us songs, we played the drums with upside down buckets, I taught them how to play Simon Says and they taught me how to play chicky chicky boom boom which its kind of like the USAs version of patty cake. 

I loved all the children so much at the school and if I could have given them all their dream home and fill them all with all the love in the world I would have. There was a few children that hold a special spot in my heart though, there was one child named Michele which is my moms name. It was like fate, earlier in the day and the previous day I had been a very emotional wreck because I had been missing my mom and it felt like nothing was going right. I am also living a whole new life where I am living without my mom and I am living a whole world away from her. I can no longer drive to her house if I need something, or FaceTime her at any hour of the day. I am learning to do things and figure things out on my own. Which is great life lessons and I am glad I am learning all of this, but it also makes me miss her because she’s my right hand girl. So after multiple days of crying and missing my mom I head to this school and have an instant connection with this child and her name is Michele. It was like a sign that I am on this journey for a reason, and it was a reminder that everything happens for a reason, I am here traveling the world for a reason and I am doing what I am doing for a purpose. This little Michele was the most beautiful girl ever, she was stunning both inside and out. She had a heart of gold and even though I was only able to spend one day with her I knew she was going to move mountains one day. She was bright and just wanted to hug me and be in my arms.

There was another little child that stole my heart this day. He didn’t have a name but he was the youngest child at the school probably around 1 year old. This little boy made me rethink the whole life that I had planned out in my head for myself. He was just a baby but because he was the youngest he was treated like all the other children on the play ground, he was not treated like a one year old. He was expected to act like a 6 year old. This little boy started crying and crying for whatever reason. I am assuming he was exhausted and hungry. But I picked him up and I sat in a chair with him and I just rocked him and rocked him for a few hours until he settled down and eventually fell asleep in my arms. He was the sweetest thing he just wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight, it was as if he hadn’t been held or rocked in a very long time. I rocked him and Michele sang to him and we were all laughing and smiling as the little boy was latching onto my chest not wanting to ever let go. 

I had always just assumed that I would be a terrible mother, I have never thought about having kids, and I have never thought about having a family of my own. I always believed that a family and children would be too much work and stress and I convinced myself that this didn’t fit into the life I wanted to live when I was older. The connection I had with these two children, the instincts that just came to me when I was holding a baby, the joy I felt, the pain I felt when I had to say goodbye, this has not left my brain. I full heartedly believe that if I was in a position in my life where I would be able to care for a child I would have adopted them in a heartbeat. And because of this feeling that I have for those two children specifically, a feeling of guilt has not left me since I left the school and the orphanage. I wish I could have done something more, I wish I could have given these children endless love for the rest of their life, and I feel selfish because I couldn’t. I feel selfish because I choose my education, my travels, and my twenties over giving two children endless love for the rest of their life. But these are choices in life we have to make. I can’t sacrifice everything I am doing, my education I have worked so hard for, my freedom of being twenty years old, and overall the control I have of my life right now for two children. Its not that I would never do that because I do feel that at some-point in my life I will be back to Africa and I will fall in love with another child and I will get the chance to give another child endless love for the rest of their life, I truly believe that is in my future now. I won’t deny it though; there was a thought in my brain, a thought of what if I dropped everything to save these babies. What if I was able to figure out a way to give these babies a better home. I have never thought like that before, thats why Im struggling so much to put my thoughts into words. But I think it was a feeling of motherhood, growing up, maturing, and thinking about my future which is something I have never felt before in this way. 

This is something I needed to experience. This trip gave me a new perspective on life, it made me realize how different everyones lives are depending on where your home country is. The cultural differences are so interesting to learn about, and the people are so kind. Kenya is a place I needed to experience, it made me think about the world in a different way, it made me see things differently. I did many other things in Kenya but visiting a school and an orphanage was the most important to me. This made me want to join a group that goes back and helps in areas like this, it makes me want to find a way to provide resources to all these children. I am sure I will do something along these lines in my near future. I am so thankful, blessed, and happy I got to experience the country of Kenya, the emotions I felt, and the realizations I had are something that will stay with me forever. Even though Kenya was not easy, and there were some tears, I learned so much. Everything that happened and everything I experienced taught me a lesson. I needed to experience these emotions because this is how I am slowly becoming a global citizen and an overall better person.